The forest / Nurse
“I’m fine” at 3am: a nurse’s honest words
The short answer
A nurse who has worked in a government hospital for five years looks after dozens of patients every day, yet no one has ever asked whether she is tired. She doesn’t want to leave the job. She just wants to know whether anyone sees what she gives.
At three in the morning, the ward finally goes quiet.
I sit down at the nurses’ station and open my lunch box. The rice went cold long ago. This is the first time I have sat down today.
Five years ago, when I first put on this uniform, I felt I was doing something great. Now I just feel tired.
Tonight a patient’s relative raised her voice at me, saying I took so long to come. I didn’t explain that I had been at the next bed, changing another patient’s dressing. I just said, “Sorry, aunty.”
When I got home, my mother asked, “How was today?”
I said, “OK lah, nothing much.”
The truth is, I wanted to cry.
I don’t regret becoming a nurse. I still love the moment a patient gets better, goes home and says thank you to me. I just want to know whether, apart from the patients, anyone else sees us.
A friend who works at a private company earns more than I do and doesn’t work weekends. She asked me, “You work so hard. For what?”
I had no answer.
Tomorrow at seven in the morning, I go back again.
But tonight, I want to write this down. As if someone has heard.
Dina
